Talking Nonviolently to Your Own Family

How to do that and what happens if you don’t

Charles CSL
4 min readApr 12, 2024
Photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash

People talk nicely to friends or colleagues, even strangers in the elevator. But not to their own families. Have you ever wondered why?

Some say we hide our emotions before strangers for obvious reasons. But we can be our true selves with our families. Direct and no need for pleasantries.

However, it doesn’t mean talking harshly to our family members is OK. Because even intimate relationships can only tolerate so much.

Thus, the next logical question is how we should talk to our families.

In this article, I am going to explain exactly that — how we should talk to our significant halves and other loved ones.

Violent communication

When we talk to our families, we often start our conversations with judgments. Or even accusations.

And our words get flooded with so many emotions. Sometimes it is not even clear what we want from them.

Here is an example.

After a husband came back from a long business trip, he left his luggage in the living room for a week. His wife finally got frustrated and asked him:

“What’s wrong with you? Are you going to leave the damn luggage there for another week?”

The husband was furious but didn’t say a word. He just moved the luggage from the sitting room to his study. And he locked himself in the study after closing the door.

This scenario is common to many families. Even though I am a married man, I empathize more with the wife’s frustration.

However, starting a request with accusations is always a bad idea. It can even backfire sometimes. And the second question the wife asked wasn’t the real request either. She just wanted to get the luggage out of the sitting room.

This is a classic example of what we call violent communication. Because this kind of communication can easily turn into quarrels or fights. Hurting everybody involved mentally, or even physically.

So what is nonviolent communication? And how does it work?

Nonviolent communication

You can find the official definition here. In short, here are the four major components of Nonviolent Communication:

  1. Observation — State the facts without judgments or assumptions
  2. Feelings — Describe how you feel and are affected given those facts
  3. Needs — Say your needs clearly
  4. Requests— State your request directly

Applying these 4 components back to the previous example. The wife’s questions for her husband would change to:

“The luggage has been in the living room for a week now. I am frustrated every time I have to walk around them.

And I need the space for the new coffee table. The delivery is tomorrow. Could you move the luggage out of the living room sometime today?”

Now, how would you feel if you were the husband after hearing your wife’s request this way?

If I were him, I would appreciate the frankness. I might even apologize for making a mess in the living room with the luggage.

It makes a big difference in restructuring our conversation into a nonviolent type. Also, it feels so much better on the receiving end of a nonviolent conversation.

With empathy

In addition to the four components, empathy is also essential to nonviolent communication.

Without it, our words might end up doing the opposite of our intentions. No matter how much caring we meant to express.

Here is an example.

A wife told her husband, “I think I got a cold.”

And he replied, “I told you to wear a jacket last night, didn’t I? See what you’ve done to yourself now. You still remember how long it took to recover last time?”

When you get a cold, you wouldn’t expect a response like that. But the fact is, we get — and give — this kind of response all the time. It happens between spouses, from parents to children, etc.

When a husband says something like that to his wife, it is not because he doesn’t care about her. On the contrary, it is because he cares so much that he is worried.

But his wife might get angry with his response. So that afterward, she won’t let him know again she is not feeling well. Until she is seriously sick. And that’s definitely not the caring husband would want.

Another example is an upset daughter telling her father that her Instagram account was hacked.

He might tell her it was no big deal. It was just an Instagram account, go ahead to create another one. He was intended to cheer her up by downplaying the problem. But the result was she would probably feel her father was just neglecting her.

A better way for the father is to put himself in her shoes. Think about putting several years of effort into creating and managing something. Then all of it was suddenly taken away from him.

Imagine how he would feel. And use that point of view to talk to his daughter.

Just listen

Another important aspect of nonviolent communication is to listen.

Oftentimes, when our loved ones tell us a problem, they are not expecting a solution. All they want from us is to listen to what they have to say.

That’s it — no lectures, no judgments.

So, when you talk to your family next time, try not to think of them as family. Treat them like your friends. Be patient. Listen.

And if you need to make a request, take the time to ensure the communication is nonviolent. Because even with our own families, we shouldn’t take anything — or anyone — for granted.

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Charles CSL
Charles CSL

Written by Charles CSL

Mobile App Developer, Film Buff, Frequent Runner—Email: csl.supernova@gmail.com

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